#64

Everything Bad

Everything is going to the shit house pardon my french but there are so many things going wrong I feel sick to my stomach. I can clearly see why some people want to opt out of their lives sometimes and this is one of those times .. not that I am going to, tomorrow is another day, but I am so sick and tired of everything going wrong.

The first major setback was of course you losing your job, I cried inside when you told me, all your dreams and hopes just came crashing down in seemingly half an hour. What they did was not right and a terrible way to treat a kid, I hope the same thing happens to their kids and see how they feel. Poor little kid - one morning off to work bright as a button, the next day you have no job, just as well you had the day off to go to the show and let off some steam.

Next I get my insurance bill and if or after I pay that I have no money left in my bank and that is really scary. I'm not earning any money from my business yet although I haven't promoted either, there is an advertisement coming out in this month's gazette and I have no business cards and so much to plow through learning dreamweaver, word, excel, in design and all the rest. I did spend a lot of money on that software but I am certain it will pay off and I will get some work in that area, the creative suite I mean.

It is so hard to have to bear these things and worries totally on your own all the time, no-one to emphasise with, seems like no-one cares, well they don't anyway. I am so sick and tired of crying inside and feeling frightened about the future and it is going to get a lot worse for everyone soon with everything tightening up, I know tomorrow is another day. I have a rather large bill from telstra too, I was going to pay these things from my savins but they are dwindling way too fast. Scary!!!

Today when I opened my mail there were two speeding fines for you, so you have just blown your licence, I have yet to transfer them to your name but when that happens you have lost it and you will receive a large fine and it would not surprise me if you lose it for 6 to 12 months, you have racked up 9 points altogether in less than a year. I literally shook when I saw these, then I got mad but mostly I feel so sad for you, this will be bad for you. I hope you learn a lesson but it is a hard one, do not speed, I hope there's not more coming either, all that money you had saved will be gone too, I don't know about your state of mind, hope you don't get too despondent but I can tell you that I feel so bad on your behalf - I have to stop it because I am making myself feel ill and my hands are raging and I just feel like shit. At least it is only speeding fines and not dui or bad accidents and broken bones and bodies. It has got so that I'm afraid to answer your calls in case there is something else bad happening.

I am really feeling very depressed, the sun isn't shining for me right now. Another thing which makes me feel bad and I shouldn't, even though I am happy for her is that Dot came to visit for 4 days and the first thing she says is she is so sick of tired of travelling and just wants to stop for a while. What a thing to say to me! Sure I am glad for her but not glad for me - I can't travel - I can barely put petrol in the car to do my shopping. And the lovely clothes and hair extensions and makeup, ohhhhh I am so jealous in some ways. It would be lovely to have a nice mate to talk things over with, to share all the good times and bad times and it is just soooo hard when you are on your own, so expensive too.

God I am really down in the dumps ay? Maybe writing this will get some of it out of me and I can start to climb up again, I hate feeling like this because everything seems so hopeless and I don't feel lucky at all, not like I used to.

love from Mum

xxx