#80

Hi Deni,

Thanks for your message of support and sorry I haven't been in touch. It IS hard but I have been thinking hard the past weeks, he is a nice bloke but what everyone said makes sense, I always value peoples opinions because they can be objective. There have been too many hurts and way too many disappointments and hundreds of other little things and sooner or later we are going to come to grief, so it might as well be now. I haven't seen him since Christmas day afternoon when he left lol, then he was ready to come down new year's eve and he rang about 11 when I was expecting him to already be here and was waffling on about going here, going there, his daughter was coming this afternoon and I was thinking well when were you thinking of coming down anyway, so I lost my patience and told him not to come down anyway lol.

Let me think of some things that bug me, it will help me be strong.

I don't sleep when he is here because he snores, fidgets, yells in his sleep, farts, etc so I get very sleep deprived and brain dead and feel really ill. I can be woken up 18 to 20 times a night, after 3 nights I am totally exhausted and my health suffers.

He just sits and waits to be served. He helps with cleaning up/dishes/making beds and all but he is so inert, just likes to sit and watch tv. Won't help in the garden just expects to be entertained

He is not computer literate and does not understand why I need to be on the computer on a daily basis, however it is ok for him to watch tv.

As I said, in two years he has only ever taken me out once when he paid, every other time I had to pay or not go out at all, so after I woke up to that we didn't go out at all.

I still haven't seen anything of Hobart, haven't been to the Sydney/Hobart yachts, the taste, pictures, when I am at his place we don't go anywhere.

My younger brother has cut me out of his life because of Wayne (accusing him of stealing), we were very close before that, he hasn't told me why. And that has poisoned the rest of the family agaainst Wayne as well, and they are very careful what they say to me these days, don't want to get involved in my life so I feel cut off there too, even Stefan (son) is careful ... very sad.

When he is here (and in the past 7 months he has only been here twice) it is my car we go for drives in, my petrol, my money - he never has any and his car is a disgrace.

The second last time he was here, I had to leave before him. When I came back I found he had gone through my drawers and been right through the place inside and the garden shed.

Oh I could go on forever.

How sad is it when I have never received a birthday present in 2 years, never been taken out for dinner on my birthday nor had a nookie. He has become very defensive on the rare occasion I questioned him about his financial position and his drinking so now I feel that he isn't the forthright person I thought he was and I have probably been taken for a ride for some time. Strange how much less I saw him after I decided I wasn't spending any money on him.

Plenty more bad things I can add lol

His nice points, he is warm/affectionate/always holding my hand, he looked after me when I was at his place and treated me like a princess when he wasn't pissed, his place is clean and tidy and he always had a clean towel/sheets for me.

What Sanbie said "someone who doesn't want to be helped" rang so true and woke me up too. If he and I speak again I am just going to say that he needs to get some help and get back on track before he and I could try again and leave it up to him. His doctor has told him to stop drinking, no-one else seems to support him, his friends/family all know he has a problem (some seem to add to his problems).

I need to look after me right now. I have severe back and neck problems and psoriasis all over my hands, feet, legs, head and sometimes it hurts so much, aggravated by stress. I became so tired last October I just wanted to die and how I managed to complete my studies I can't remember - I was totally brain dead and it was very scary. I remember waking up one morning and instead of going to school I just sat and cried and sat on the sofa looking and feeling blank for 4 hours, in pain from my neck and stressed to my core. In November when I finished school I literally crashed for a week, I just slept and don't remember what else I did, very scary.

I've applied for disability support but think they will knock me back because I haven't seen a rheumatologist about my psoriasis, no matter that I saw one in Qld just before I came down to Tassie - they have to follow their guidelines. I would be very surprised if I got it but I will keep trying.

In some ways I am dreading making the trip up and back to school this year but I really want to do it even if I die in the attempt lol, which on those icy roads in winter, dead tired with tears straming could very well happen.

Some of this is why I have been very quiet. I still get teary about missing my boy even though he is in a better place with his work and all but I miss him so much - those days are gone though of when we used to live happily together and he is growing up without his mum now. I have a doc appointment next week and I'm going to ask him to refer me to a psycologist because I'm not right, I'm not ok although no-one knows because I put on a happy face.

I am making a nice life for myself here, in that way I am happy, I love pottering around in my garden, growing my vegies, and my boating except I am having trouble starting the outboard on the tinnie at present, thank god for Dave next door, he is a life saver. And I have some friends and always seem to be busy, I don't get bored and never have so that's a good thing.

xxxxx